Friday, June 4, 2010

Oh, how the mighty do fall!

Remember that post I wrote, just two short days ago?  The one where I blabbed on and on about "no more tears" and getting on with my life?  Apparently I didn't get the memo.

Today, the thing I've been dreading most finally happened.  It went exactly as I knew it would, and I felt exactly as I feared I would feel, except worse.

This base is tiny place.  Everyone knows everybody else, and you can't walk 10 yards out your front without seeing someone you know.  We only have one of everything, one bank, one post office, one grocery store, so the odds of running into someone you know everytime you leave the house are about a bazillion-to-one.  Yet somehow, DB and I have managed to completely avoid each other.  I haven't seen or spoken to him at all since early March, and then it was only to drop off his mail.  We haven't run into each other at all.

That changed today.  We both ended up at the dentist at the same time.  I was sitting in the waiting room and he was coming from the back, having just finished his appointment.  I was sitting dead in the middle of his line of sight.  He had to pass right by me to get out of the building.  He walked within two feet of my seat.... 

...and sailed right on past, as if I didn't even exist.  He didn't miss a beat.  Didn't pause, didn't stop, didn't speak.  Nothing.  As if I were a complete stranger.  As if I weren't his wife.  As if we didn't have an 8 year history.  As if I'm NOT THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD.

I was stunned.  Crushed.  I started shaking and feeling nauseous.  Ended up running out to my car because I couldn't stop the tears.  I don't know why I was so shocked.  This is exactly what I've always known would happen.  Because I know him.  Because I'm his wife.  Because we have an 8 year history.  I knew this was how he would react, which is why I've dreaded it so much.  But when it actually happened.  God, it hurt so much.

Yes, yes, our marriage is over.  No, I don't want him back.  No, I'm not  harboring secret dreams of reconciliation.  He's a bastard, and I have no desire to ever have him in my life, in any capacity.  That's not the point at all.  The point is being so completely dismissed by someone who once meant so much to me, who I loved with all my heart, and claimed to love me.  Having  MY HUSBAND, THE PERSON I SHARED EVERY DAY OF THE LAST 7 YEARS WITH,  THE FATHER OF MY CHILD, act as if I did't even exist.  It was worse than he would have treated me if I were a complete stranger.  If I'd been a stranger, he still would have made eye contact, nodded, said "Hi" or smiled.  That's what he does every time he walks passed everyone, whether he knows them or not.  But not me.  Not his wife.  It was absolutely surreal.  I honestly can't reconcile this man, this uncaring, heartless bastard with the man I spent 7 years making a life with.  The husband who used to stand outside the bathroom door everytime I'd barricaded myself in there in a fit of PMS-induced, irrational anger and tears, begging me to come out, telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was being an insensitive jerk (when more often than not, he hadn't really done anything wrong), the man who would look over at me as we snuggled in bed, eyes heavy, and say, out of the blue "You're so beautiful."  Through out our relationship, he routinely told me how lucky he was to have me in his life, I good I was for him.  And now.  I'mabsolutely nothing to him.  How is that even possible? 

Four hours later and I'm still shaken by the whole stupid thing.  I knew I'd feel bad when this happened (and it was bound to happen eventually, I've been waiting for it) but I had no idea how horrible it would make me feel, and I really thought I'd handle it a little better than I did.  I guess I'm an even bigger wimp than I thought I was and it seems I haven't made nearly as much progress towards becoming a sassy, super-fab single mom.



thefukases said...

No no no don't blame yourself. He obviously still has issues about the whole thing himself- like you say he always says hello to everyone- so the fact that he didn't/ couldn't to you is telling.

I think it would be cathartic for us all to think of comebacks for next time this happens (and it sounds like the possibility is high, right?)

Personally I'm in favour of you spending a weekend watching yakuza gangster movies until you can roll out a 'baka-yaroh!' (ass-clown) like a pro. :)

And hope you have a nice restorative weekend with your kids to make you feel better. You're a great mum with great kids to prove it. Go back and read your post about your girls- it says so much!

Gaijin Wife said...

Christ. I really have no words for the bastard. It really is amazing how much a person can change? Has he not tried to see the kids? He could have at least stopped and asked how they were.

If you're anything like me these times are the hardest times to be good about eating and shit. Don't worry about the sassy single mum. You can sort that out when your fabulous in four months :)

Bloody hell. Tell the dentist to drill some sense into the man's brain next time.

Hope you have a good weekend - anything lined up to keep you occupied?

Cyber hugs from Kunimi.

April said...

Your hurt and anger is absolutely understandable, and doesn't make you any less a super-fab single mom!

Lily said...

Goodness that was painful to read and "DB" is exactly what I murmered. Good thing Heather wrote something sensible before I just tore one through DB here.

Michaela said...

Awww....I was emotional reading that. I am a first time reader to your blog too.
All the best with the 4 month thing!!!

Bryn said...

Thanks Fuka-chan, and I think I've mastered 'baka-yaroh!' (um, and so has E. Oops.)

Arigato GW, you always know just what to say! And no, he hasn't seen or spoken to the kids at all. But not even E asks for him, I guess that's something to be thankful for!

Thank you April! That means alot coming from another super-fab, single mom! I've done this before (the single mom thing), so I know I'll be alright. I just never, ever imagined I'd have to do it again.

Thanks Lil! You have no idea how much you've cheered me up the last few days! THANK YOU!!!!!

Yikes Michaela, so sorry you wandered into my blog in the middle of all my drama! I promise I don't usually post about it much! Thank you for visiting, hope I haven't scared you away!