Thursday, January 7, 2010

I'm her.....

...this whole, stupid, horrible mess has turned me into "that girl". You know the one. When you see her, you just shake your head in pity, everybody knows her drama and we all think "Geez, what's wrong with her?" "God, I'd never do that!" "Doesn't she have any pride?". There are times now that I don't even recognize myself. I have said and done things in the last 9 weeks that I NEVER DREAMED I was capable of. And who will I be when it's all said and done? A stronger woman because I survived? Or a sad, broken shell of old myself, because of what I had to do to survive?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Mama mowhawk

Why yes, I did shave my child's head! How can you tell? Is the huge gash in the back, or maybe it's the squiggly lines, perhaps the huge tufts of unshaved bits strategically sprouting around his melon? Trust me, it looks worse real life! And I'll confess it now, he was MORTIFIED when he first looked in the mirror. He actually cried. I was heartbroken! I thought I'd done a decent job, I mean, HE'S A 4 YEAR OLD BOY! What does he know about the height of chic hair fashion? But he literally broke down sobbing.

However, in typical 4 year old boy fashion, he's over it now, completely forgotten it, as he never looks at himself in the mirror. And of course people are unfailingly polite, gushing with the "Oh Ethan, I love your hair!" as they look at me over his head, eyes wide and "What the hell happened?" written all over their faces.

I love it though. I think it's adorable!

Sunday, January 3, 2010


Hmmmm.....where do I start? Some of this story will remain unbloggable because I know there are people I love who read this blog and there's no point in anyone else being hurt. I'm still very much tied up in placing blame and pointing fingers, but I'll spare everyone the gory details; I'm definitely not in a place yet to be able to offer an objective, unbiased story at this point (although I'm sure more than a few of you can fill in a lot of the blanks).

And let me get this out of the way straight off the top: To all of you who think it's inappropriate for me to air my family's dirty laundry in such a public place, suck it, this is MY blog written by and for ME. And to anyone and everyone who is or has been hurt by what's going on with my family, and how I'm handling things, I'm truly sorry, I'd never intentionally hurt any of you, for any reason, I love you all, but it's time for me to finally start putting myself first and I'm dealing with things in the way that is best for me.

With that, on with tale: About 8 weeks ago, Otis made the decision that he no longer wants to be a part of our family. He'd actually made the decision many months ago, but Oct. 25 he moved out. He's been staying temporarily in a 2-bdrm apartment across base, and from there will probably be moving into a small place off-base, since the military has rules about 1 active duty person only being assigned 1 goverment house, and obviously the kids and I still live in the first government house Otis was issued, with no plans of moving out anytime soon.

It's been the longest, most painful 8 weeks of my life, and I'm still struggling daily, but there's really not a whole lot I can do about any of it. I knew Otis and I had problems, pretty big ones too, but I never imagined they were bad enough to warrant the ending of our marriage. I'm still so shocked and confused by the fact that we were so obviously living in two completely different relationships. All these months I thought we were just going through a rough patch, like most couples do, but it wasn't anything I thought we couldn't handle and get through together. Meanwhile, O was quickly reaching the point of no return, seeing our relationship crumbling beyond repair and deciding that he didn' t love me enough to continue trying. At this point, he can't tell me where things went so wrong, and obviously I'm even more clueless. A lot of things have come to light in the last 8 weeks that make me believe we have indeed past the point of no return, I can't imagine how we'd ever get past a lot of what has happened, even if he were willing to try (which he definitely is not). So, those are my unbloggables, in a nutshell.

The kids are great and seemingly unphased. They don't ask any questions, Ethan barely realizes O isn't around, and I don't think he realizes at all that his dad doesn't live with us anymore. Otis sees him a once or twice a week. The girls and I talk about it some, I don't push the issue and let them come to me if they feel like talking or have any questions. They know he's gone, living across base, but they really seem okay with it.

Now, I'm scrambling, trying to do whatever is necessary for the kids and I to stay in Japan when Otis leaves, which could be anywhere from April-ish to early August this year. My job still hasn't gone full-time, which is critical. In order to stay in Japan w/out Otis, I have to have my own active SOFA status (Status of Forces Agreement) with the Department of Defense. SOFA status is only granted to non-military people through certain full-time positions (if my PT job goes FT, I'll get SOFA status). Beyond the SOFA status, I also need a full time paycheck to survive. Living in Japan ain't cheap!

There is absolutely nothing back in the U.S. for me: no home, no job (not even any prospects for a job), other than my BFF, no friends, no real family to speak of, at least not any that could take us all in indefinitely. Other than having the kids near their dad, which just isn't reason enough as far as I'm concerned, I really think staying here is the best thing for all of us. We all love Japan so much, the kids are so happy here. I've talked to the girls about going back to America, and they were both horrified by the thought. So for now, the plan is to stay in Japan at least until Gabi graduates from high school in June 2012. Right now I have trouble thinking beyond tomorrow, getting myself through each day as it comes is my only real goal, but hopefully everything else will fall into place in time.

Thank you so much to my friends who have been there for me these last two months, especially my BFF Rob and best buds H and Xta. I know I've seemed a bit batty at times, but I know and appreciate everything that you've done for me and for the kids. I love you all.

Off to bed for me, the kids and I are back to the grind tomorrow after our 2-week winter break. Hope you all survive the first Monday of 2010!