Sunday, January 3, 2010


Hmmmm.....where do I start? Some of this story will remain unbloggable because I know there are people I love who read this blog and there's no point in anyone else being hurt. I'm still very much tied up in placing blame and pointing fingers, but I'll spare everyone the gory details; I'm definitely not in a place yet to be able to offer an objective, unbiased story at this point (although I'm sure more than a few of you can fill in a lot of the blanks).

And let me get this out of the way straight off the top: To all of you who think it's inappropriate for me to air my family's dirty laundry in such a public place, suck it, this is MY blog written by and for ME. And to anyone and everyone who is or has been hurt by what's going on with my family, and how I'm handling things, I'm truly sorry, I'd never intentionally hurt any of you, for any reason, I love you all, but it's time for me to finally start putting myself first and I'm dealing with things in the way that is best for me.

With that, on with tale: About 8 weeks ago, Otis made the decision that he no longer wants to be a part of our family. He'd actually made the decision many months ago, but Oct. 25 he moved out. He's been staying temporarily in a 2-bdrm apartment across base, and from there will probably be moving into a small place off-base, since the military has rules about 1 active duty person only being assigned 1 goverment house, and obviously the kids and I still live in the first government house Otis was issued, with no plans of moving out anytime soon.

It's been the longest, most painful 8 weeks of my life, and I'm still struggling daily, but there's really not a whole lot I can do about any of it. I knew Otis and I had problems, pretty big ones too, but I never imagined they were bad enough to warrant the ending of our marriage. I'm still so shocked and confused by the fact that we were so obviously living in two completely different relationships. All these months I thought we were just going through a rough patch, like most couples do, but it wasn't anything I thought we couldn't handle and get through together. Meanwhile, O was quickly reaching the point of no return, seeing our relationship crumbling beyond repair and deciding that he didn' t love me enough to continue trying. At this point, he can't tell me where things went so wrong, and obviously I'm even more clueless. A lot of things have come to light in the last 8 weeks that make me believe we have indeed past the point of no return, I can't imagine how we'd ever get past a lot of what has happened, even if he were willing to try (which he definitely is not). So, those are my unbloggables, in a nutshell.

The kids are great and seemingly unphased. They don't ask any questions, Ethan barely realizes O isn't around, and I don't think he realizes at all that his dad doesn't live with us anymore. Otis sees him a once or twice a week. The girls and I talk about it some, I don't push the issue and let them come to me if they feel like talking or have any questions. They know he's gone, living across base, but they really seem okay with it.

Now, I'm scrambling, trying to do whatever is necessary for the kids and I to stay in Japan when Otis leaves, which could be anywhere from April-ish to early August this year. My job still hasn't gone full-time, which is critical. In order to stay in Japan w/out Otis, I have to have my own active SOFA status (Status of Forces Agreement) with the Department of Defense. SOFA status is only granted to non-military people through certain full-time positions (if my PT job goes FT, I'll get SOFA status). Beyond the SOFA status, I also need a full time paycheck to survive. Living in Japan ain't cheap!

There is absolutely nothing back in the U.S. for me: no home, no job (not even any prospects for a job), other than my BFF, no friends, no real family to speak of, at least not any that could take us all in indefinitely. Other than having the kids near their dad, which just isn't reason enough as far as I'm concerned, I really think staying here is the best thing for all of us. We all love Japan so much, the kids are so happy here. I've talked to the girls about going back to America, and they were both horrified by the thought. So for now, the plan is to stay in Japan at least until Gabi graduates from high school in June 2012. Right now I have trouble thinking beyond tomorrow, getting myself through each day as it comes is my only real goal, but hopefully everything else will fall into place in time.

Thank you so much to my friends who have been there for me these last two months, especially my BFF Rob and best buds H and Xta. I know I've seemed a bit batty at times, but I know and appreciate everything that you've done for me and for the kids. I love you all.

Off to bed for me, the kids and I are back to the grind tomorrow after our 2-week winter break. Hope you all survive the first Monday of 2010!


Kassia said...

Brenda... oh lady I am so sorry for you and what you must have been going through these last two months. Know that I'm pulling for you and hope that you guys can stay in Japan b/c I know that's where you are happiest. Keep blogging through it all... air that laundry girl, it's important for you to vent and get it out there. ~ K

Slime said...

Thanks so much Kassia. I was kind of thinking the same thing, I'm afraid if I just let things keep building up inside, the resulting explosion would definitely be more destructive than just getting it all out in the first place.

Gaijin Wife said...

So sorry to hear about your unbloggables Brenda. I hope your job turns full time so you can stay here. Thinking of you.

Slime said...

Thanks GW, seems I should have been on the look out for bloody big pink pumping hearts (even though we don't have Docomo!)

Gaijin Wife said...

Bloody wanking wanky shit. Bloody big pink pumping hearts not good for sanity.

Unbloggables very sad anyway but extra big hugs to deal with all that too.

(not sure of bloggy comment etiquette on dishing hubs so have been very restrained)

Lulu said...

I am very sorry to hear about the end of your relationship with your husband. This must be a very tough time for you and your family (but I am glad to hear the kids are coping ok) and I really hope you can work out a way to stay in Japan.

Thinking of you and really hoping things work out the way you want.

Robin Vistnes said...

You know that I am here for you day or night-

Slime said...

GW - dish away ;) His mom couldn't possibly fault me for things other people say!

Lulu - Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. It's comforting to know that positive thoughts for me are swirling around Japan

R - Grazzin, I love you

illahee said...

wow, brenda, that's so heartbreaking! i think O needs a chopstick up the nose! (um, hope a little imaginary violence is ok. i wouldn't actually seek him out to do him harm.)

*hugs* i hope you get your chance to work and live in japan.

Slime said...

Thanks illahee. Trust me, a chopstick up the nose is tame compared to what I've been doing to him in MY imagination! LOL

Gina said...

I'm really sorry about your marriage ending. You must be going through hell. I'm glad the kids are handling things okay. I hope you can stay in Japan, since that's where you want to be. So I'll be hoping your job goes full time. You got me in your corner and I'm pulling for you. I'll be thinking about you and the kids. ((hugs))

Slime said...

Thank Gina, it has helped more than you can ever know to have all my bloggy friends supporting me! ((hugs))

Hooplovers said...

Sending warm and healing love your way! Sad to hear of your intense change. Change is important and the only constant in life but often times very, very difficult.

You are a strong and amazing being who has the power and love within and around you to work through something like this. I know that you will emerge a greater more vibrant woman (even if it doesn't seem possible sometimes)

I always hold onto the phrase "this too shall pass" for sure enough everything does, from the lowest of lows to the greatest highs. Everything changes.

Sending you strength, love and warm hoop hugs!! d xx