Sunday, March 21, 2010

Vomitousness (or, Job Update)

This job stuff is sitting like a ton of bricks, very, very heavy bricks, squarely on my stomache. This hanging-in-limbo business is for the birds. I hate not having a plan! I hate not being able to plan. I'm such a ridiculously obsessive planner. I ALWAYS have a plan, accompanied by lists, and sometimes even charts. Not knowing if I have this job or not, if we're staying in Japan or not, not knowing where in the world we'll go if I don't get it, where we'll live, how we'll survive...........AHHHHHHHHHH! I'm walking around all day, every day, feeling seconds away from a complete and thorough tossing of my proverbial cookies. Both of my bosses keep telling me "Don't worry, you've got it! "It's going to happen, just be patient!" Easy for them to say from behind their full-time, well-paid SOFA status jobs!

And then I think, "What if I get the job?" What if I get the job? Then, what? Do I really want it? What will it really mean for my family? One thing it will mean is that I'll be really and truly on my own for the very first time in my entire life. With three kids. Scarey stuff. I've lived alone before, done the whole single-parent thing, but my ex-husband was never more than 15 minutes down the street, my parents barely 3 hours away. But this time, my nearest back-up will be at least 24 hours, and several thousands of dollars, away.

And then there's my marriage. That's pretty funny, huh? Thinking about what getting this job will mean for my marriage? Gag. I mean,I know my marriage is over, of course it's over, it couldn't be anything other than over. But....... I don't know. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's just that this would be the first step I'VE taken towards an ending. Everything until now has been DB's decision. HE left. HE decided we'd grown apart. HE decided we shouldn't be together anymore. All of it was decided and done without a single discussion or any input from me. But getting this job, and staying in Japan when he leaves. That'd be MY decision. That'd be ME saying "Yes, my marriage really is over." It'll be the absolute end. So final. I don't know why, but the thought of doing that makes me feel so incredibly sad. Could I be bigger wimp?

They say no news is good news. But it's not feeling so good right now.

1 comment:

Robin Vistnes said...

Sorry Slimer- I hate that you are so lost and I can't be there to help. I can pray for you and you know I am only a phone call away. Also I am getting skype so we can talk to K's fam, so then we can see each other in our phone calls!
You can get a load of my ugly mug up close and personal on at least a weekly basis!- now see, your luck is starting to turn!