No words.

Ok, so I do have words.  But I was speechless, for a little while.

After the INCIDENT two Saturdays ago, I felt I was really and truly finally plunging off the deep end.  I was crushed and confused, feeling desperate and so, so, so, so angry.  I didnt' know where to turn, what to do, I didn't know how I should feel or react.  For the first few hours I was pretty sure someone would end up hospitalized.  I didn't know if it'd be me, him or her, but somebody was damn sure going to get hurt!

And then, at my most desperate moment, there they were.  My bloggy friends family.  So many people reached out to me, listened, comforted, counseled, it was truly overwhelming, and so humbling.

The beautiful Cecilia, who had never even spoken to me IRL, met me for lunch in Kichijoji, where I poured my heart out over a buffet lunch of pizza and curry at Shakey's.  C was so warm and down-to-earth, she offered me comfort and encouragement, reassuring me that I WASN'T crazy and that everything would be okay.  Thank you Cecilia!!

My YEES sista from another mista, T, reached out from across the ocean, bitching and raging right beside me, united with me in outrage against people she'd never even laid eyes on before.  That her thoughts and feelings so completely mirrored my own offered more reassurance that I'm not a psycho, and that he is a heartless bastard.  Thanks T, you're the best!

GW, oh GW!  What can I say?  Even with her own shit storm brewing, she took the time to let me know she was thinking of me, and offered to help in any way she could. 

Then there's sweet, sweet Lily.  She listened. And listened. And listened some more.  One night we spent nearly two hours on the phone (after I had called and woken her up!). Lily opened her heart and her HOME to a complete stranger and her equally strange kids.  She took us in for a long, much needed break this weekend.  Showing us Niigata, and in the process, showing me her incredibly beautiful, loving spirit.  This weekend was exactly what I needed, and so much more.  I came back home feeling such peace, rested and calm, ready for whatever comes next.

And Heather!!!!  HEATHER!  Spending so much time and money just to meet Lily and I for a few hours!  I was so happy to finally meet her, and the adorable Meg and Amy of course.  And yes, for those of you who were wondering, yes, she DOES have the sparkliest arm hair I've ever seen!

Keep in mind that NONE of these beautiful, warm, caring women had ever met me in real life.  Before last week I had never even spoken to any of them.  But there they were, ready to catch me as I fell.  Anyone who thinks real relationships can't be formed online couldn't be more wrong, and is missing out on so much love!

A million, bazillion thanks to everyone!  You'll never know how much it means to me to know that you're out there, reading, following along and cheering me on!  I feel so much less alone, knowing my bloggy fam is here whenever I need them (but let's hope it won't be often!)

Teaser!

Proper, picture filled post coming soon!

Officer, I don't know what you're talking about!

I swear, I've been in Nagano picking cucumbers all week!

Oh HELL NO!!!!

May not be posting for awhile after tonight, as I could likely BE IN JAIL.  My bastard husband has finally gone too far.

Mother's Day (Part I)

Yeah, late.  But I've got tons of pix!  That makes up for it, right?

It was actually Mother's Weekend.  We made a 3-day extravaganza of my day.

The Saturday before Mom's Day, we headed for the Navy base in Yokosuka.  Arrived in the early evening and went shopping at the big, beautiful department store on base.  Didn't buy heaps, but enough to put a smile on my face.  Several pairs of cute flip-flops, a few pair of my favorite undies (this is the only place in Japan I can get them) some cosmetics and toiletries I like, but that we don't have up here, a new book and some other odds and ends.  Had dinner at the food court, I had super yum sesame chicken and egg rolls from my fave, Manchu Wok.

Sunday morning we had b'fast at Chili's.  Yes, BREAKFAST, at CHILI's!!!!  Our Chili's doesn't serve b'fast, and I'd never seen one in the U.S. that did either.  It was YUM!  (Lots of YUM on this trip!!!)

Pancakes shaped like chilis!!! 

They were soooo good!  And that's WARM, MELTED BUTTER at the top! Perfect for drizzling over the pancakes.  The best Mother's Day b'fast I've ever had!

After b'fast we headed for Yokohama.  We've been there once before, but it was just a quick trip, no time for site seeing.  My one goal was to go to China Town. 

We started at Landmark Tower.  This building is the tallest building in Japan, and has the second fastest elevator in world!  We went to the observation deck on the 69th floor.  The elevator goes so fast, your ears actually pop!

That's the kids up on the bridge

From Landmark tower, we walked to ChinaTown!  It was quite a haul, but as you know, I love, love, love to just wander around.  I could walk for hours in the city.  There's so much to see.  I just love it.  And I was shocked and touched that there wasn't a single grumble or complaint from the peanut gallery the entire day, and it was a loooong one.  No one whined, no one argued, no one pouted.  They all just trudged along, indulging their mom on her day.  We stopped for an ice cream, and another time at a playground.  

We made it to China Town, and poked around for a while, taking in all the sights, sounds and smells.  It was pretty crowded, but lots of fun.

This guy was just cruising around on his bike. He was very friendly and asked me to take his picture with the girls.

  Look at those goldfish hanging from his ears!  He looks just like Colonel Sanders!

Ethan was terrified of these statues, he wouldn't get any closer,

and bolted as soon as the camera clicked.

It's hard to tell, but there's a 4th pup tucked in there. 

Their dad posed them while Mom took the pic!

It was a really great day.  We did exactly what I wanted all day.  We walked for miles around the city, exploring back alleys, taking side streets just to see where they led.  The kids were awesome.  The girls entertained and herded Ethan around all day.  They're plenty good a tending him, they've had lots of practice, but to shlep him around the city all day (nearly 7 hours when we finally got back to the hotel) doing "mom" stuff, keeping him happy and cooperative, giving him piggy back rides when his little legs just couldn't keep up, distracting him when I wanted to stop and look around at "boring" stuff.  Even when I tried to do whatever it was he needed or wanted, one of the girls stepped up and said "I'll do it Mom".  They really went above and beyond to make my day extra special. *Sigh*  Love my kiddos. 

Day 2 coming soon!

D'oh!

So everyone was going in different directions this evening, I had finals, Ethan had a playdate, Gabi had a practice of some sort, and Meg was going to study with at friend's.  Eventually we all ended up back at home, and I was *beat*.  Meg and her friend needed to go to the library, but friend's mom was driving them, and Gabi was going to a party, but someone else was driving, so E and I were just relaxing, talking about what to make for dinner.

Ethan heads outside to jump on the tramp, and Meg heads out for the library, then runs back in a few minutes later because she forgot her books.  She left again.  A little while later she came back in and ran upstairs.  Gabi comes racing down the stairs in a panic, the party was starting in 10 minutes and her friends car wouldn't start, could I give them a ride?  I hollered up to Meg that I was running G to the party, E's outside so she needs to keep an ear out for him.

Off we go across base.  Pick up G's friend and head for the party.  As we pass the library, I see Megan coming out the front door with her friend, so I honk and wave. 

Wait.

One of my kids in the car with me and one of my kids is walking out of the library.  That's two kids.  But I have three kids.

WHERE'S THE THIRD KID????????

Crap.  My mind is racing, back tracking over the last few hours.  Is he still at school?  Have I momentarily forgtten that he's at a friends house?  Did I forget that'd I'd actually brought him, but he's hiding behind the back seat?  (All of these scenarios have actually occured).  Did Megan bring him with her to the library?  I rolled down the window and asked her where he was.  "I thought he was with you?!"  Double crap.

I flipped a U-y and flew back home.  And there he was, jumping on the trampoline.  Completely oblivious that his entire family had deserted him.  Apparently, the second time Meg came back in, she was just grabbing her wallet for the library adn somehow she got downstairs (5 feet from where I was sitting) and back out of the house without me noticing.

It was only a few minutes, and he's not a wanderer, he wouldn't have left the yard, and I've left him home alone before to run up the street to grab milk, but the thought of him going into the house and finding no one there, with no clue where everyone had gone just made me feel horrible.  I don't know why.  I'm not sure he would have even noticed that no one else was home. 

I'm normally very scatter-brained, easily distracted and forgetful, so this whole event was never out of the realm of possibility, but this is the first time I've actually gone off and left one of my kids somewhere (I think). 

Well...um....see...

Ethan (totally out of nowhere, while dunking his Oreos in milk):  Mom, how do babies fit in your mouth?

Me:  Uh?

Ethan (mouth now crammed with soggy Oreos):  I said, how do babies fit in your mouth?

Me:  Babies?  In your mouth?  Is that what you said?

Ethan:  YES!  HOW.do.BABIES.fit.in.your.MOUTH???

Me:  They don't.  Nobody puts babies in their mouth.

Ethan:  Well, then how do they get in your tummy?

Me:  ...?...Hurry up and finish eating, it's bath night and you don't want to miss Sponge Bob!

Be careful what you wish for!

*Sigh* I said in my last post that I wasn't ready to know about my job. Apparently someone has finally decided that this would be a good time to start listening to me! My boss informed me today that there would be another 10+ day delay on the decision..........


I guess no news is good news in this case.  It means that once again the Personnel Office has ruled that I'm either not qualified, or not eligible to apply for this position, but that my boss is refusing to accept this decision and is fighting it all the way to the top to get me the job (I just hope I can live up his expectations)!

It's all good.

I know it's been forever since I said it was getting close to decision-making time for my job.  Trust me, it's been even longer for me.  But finally, I should know for sure tomorrow or Wed. (the answer is coming from the Air Force Personnel Center in Texas, so with the 14 hour time difference it's a little harder to pin down a specific time) Things got so screwy towards the end of all the paper work, and I had such a tough time getting any straight answers from anyone, that I honestly have no idea which way things will go, it's a straight 50/50 split either way.  The anxiety of waiting has been excrutiating.  Beyond torture.  But now that the time has really come, now that there's every possibility that within the next 24 hours, the decision will finally be made, and I'll finally know whether or not we're staying in Japan.  I don't want to know!  *Sigh*  I don't want to have to start making decisions and making plans.  I don't want to have to start letting things go, and choosing other things.  I'm kind of happy here in my limbo on no decision, thank you very much.

Right now (and of course, this changes daily) I'm okay with whatever is going to happen.  If I don't get the job, and we have to move back to Florida, well, there are certainly far worse things that could happen.  Yes, we'll all be heartbroken to leave Japan, especially Gabi.  And I'll be beyond disappointed to have lost out an such a fantastic job and the incredible benefits that would have come along with it, but.........yeah, that's about it.  We'll be okay.  We love Florida, and Ft. Walton is the one place in the U.S. I've always said I wouldn't mind living again.  The schools are great, the beaches are incredible (if you don't mind oil slicks) and because it's a tourist town, there's always, always something fun to do.  Great shopping, tons of awesome restaurants.  Compared to Tokyo, the cost of leaving is ridiculously low, so we could scrape by on just my child support and savings for awhile, as we're getting settled and I'm looking for a job.  Having to go back there definitely wouldn't be horrible.  So I'm okay with whatever happens, if we stay, or if we go.  At least for now, check back tomorrow and I'll probably be beside myself with anxiety and dread, completely freaking out about whatever decision has been made.  For now, it's all good.

Summer, is that really you?

Our weather has been so beautiful the past few days.  But I'm hesitant to say that Summer has finally arrived.  She's teased and taunted us with her arrival, only to quickly disappear, replaced by coooold, wet weather, several times already this year.  We get 2 or 3 days of glorious, sunny weather, the kids even play in the sprinklers and run around in bathing suits all day, only to have temps take a nose dive, sending everyone scrambling for the long pants and jackets they prematurely packed away.

On one such beautiful day, I detached Ethan from the PlayStation umbilical cord he became permanently attached to this winter, and forced him, squinting and flinching and covering his eyes, in to the glorious bright sun light.  He promptly found the shadiest spot and:

My garden is recovering beautifully, you can hardly tell there was even a slaughter.  I really enjoy puttering around out there, pulling weeds and watering, even though I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing and my plants would probably get along just as well if I never touched them, but it's relaxing and I love watching the progress, anticipating the first pretty, pink blossoms.  All the beautfiul greenery has me itching to fill my goldfish bowl and get some little fishies swimming, but I'm worried that Summer will disappear again, and my little fishies would get too cold.  I know goldfish like cold water, but I still feel bad when the temp drops too much.  So I'll wait until I'm more sure Summer is here to stay.

Oh, how the mighty do fall!

Remember that post I wrote, just two short days ago?  The one where I blabbed on and on about "no more tears" and getting on with my life?  Apparently I didn't get the memo.

Today, the thing I've been dreading most finally happened.  It went exactly as I knew it would, and I felt exactly as I feared I would feel, except worse.

This base is tiny place.  Everyone knows everybody else, and you can't walk 10 yards out your front without seeing someone you know.  We only have one of everything, one bank, one post office, one grocery store, so the odds of running into someone you know everytime you leave the house are about a bazillion-to-one.  Yet somehow, DB and I have managed to completely avoid each other.  I haven't seen or spoken to him at all since early March, and then it was only to drop off his mail.  We haven't run into each other at all.

That changed today.  We both ended up at the dentist at the same time.  I was sitting in the waiting room and he was coming from the back, having just finished his appointment.  I was sitting dead in the middle of his line of sight.  He had to pass right by me to get out of the building.  He walked within two feet of my seat.... 

...and sailed right on past, as if I didn't even exist.  He didn't miss a beat.  Didn't pause, didn't stop, didn't speak.  Nothing.  As if I were a complete stranger.  As if I weren't his wife.  As if we didn't have an 8 year history.  As if I'm NOT THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD.

I was stunned.  Crushed.  I started shaking and feeling nauseous.  Ended up running out to my car because I couldn't stop the tears.  I don't know why I was so shocked.  This is exactly what I've always known would happen.  Because I know him.  Because I'm his wife.  Because we have an 8 year history.  I knew this was how he would react, which is why I've dreaded it so much.  But when it actually happened.  God, it hurt so much.

Yes, yes, our marriage is over.  No, I don't want him back.  No, I'm not  harboring secret dreams of reconciliation.  He's a bastard, and I have no desire to ever have him in my life, in any capacity.  That's not the point at all.  The point is being so completely dismissed by someone who once meant so much to me, who I loved with all my heart, and claimed to love me.  Having  MY HUSBAND, THE PERSON I SHARED EVERY DAY OF THE LAST 7 YEARS WITH,  THE FATHER OF MY CHILD, act as if I did't even exist.  It was worse than he would have treated me if I were a complete stranger.  If I'd been a stranger, he still would have made eye contact, nodded, said "Hi" or smiled.  That's what he does every time he walks passed everyone, whether he knows them or not.  But not me.  Not his wife.  It was absolutely surreal.  I honestly can't reconcile this man, this uncaring, heartless bastard with the man I spent 7 years making a life with.  The husband who used to stand outside the bathroom door everytime I'd barricaded myself in there in a fit of PMS-induced, irrational anger and tears, begging me to come out, telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was being an insensitive jerk (when more often than not, he hadn't really done anything wrong), the man who would look over at me as we snuggled in bed, eyes heavy, and say, out of the blue "You're so beautiful."  Through out our relationship, he routinely told me how lucky he was to have me in his life, I good I was for him.  And now.  I'mabsolutely nothing to him.  How is that even possible? 

Four hours later and I'm still shaken by the whole stupid thing.  I knew I'd feel bad when this happened (and it was bound to happen eventually, I've been waiting for it) but I had no idea how horrible it would make me feel, and I really thought I'd handle it a little better than I did.  I guess I'm an even bigger wimp than I thought I was and it seems I haven't made nearly as much progress towards becoming a sassy, super-fab single mom.

Assclown.

Ummmmm.....

Just felt like blogging, but it's late, and I'm too tired to put up a real post.  

I'm really feeling the blog love right now, and I want each.and.every.one.of.you to know how much it means to me to know you're out there.  Taking the time out of your own crazy-busy lives to peek in on mine, to offer your love, comfort and friendship to someone most of you have never even met.  It's just amazing, and it means more than you'll ever know.  Thank you. 

My world these days is sorely lacking in affections and connections, I'm feeling sad and so very alone.  As when any couple splits, friends are put in a tough spot, not wanting to choose sides, not wanting to get caught in the middle.  Unfortunately, almost all of my friends were friends through DB's* work, so their side was pretty much chosen for them.  My two closest friends here have moved back to the States.  No one else here really knows about the split.  It still has to be kept on the down low for now, for various reasons, and putting on the happy-wife, peachy-life face with acquaintances who don't know is just too much, I can't do it anymore.  So, it's just me.  All the time.  Even work isn't much of a distraction, I have my own office, far away from everyone else.  I'm the only person who works in my department now (yes, I'm the boss.  no, I still don't have the job) I interact with tons of other people all day, but it's just business.  I can't help but wonder if things would be better, or at least less lonely, back in the States?  But I really don't think so.  At least the kids are happy here.  Back in the U.S. we'd all be miserable.  I know I'll be happy again, and I know in my heart of hearts this is where I belong, I know this is where I'll find my happy again.

So, what's a sad, lonely girl to do?  Wrap herself in cyber hugs and sunny vibes, pull up her big girl panties and get on with the business of making a new life as a sassy, super fabulous, single mom!

No more gray days.  No more sad thoughts.  No more tears.  I'm done with "why me"s.  Why not me?  I'm the idiot who married him.  I'm the dumb ass who sacrificed 7 years of her life with him, having kids and raising a family. No more "what if"s.   What if he's selfish, shallow, lazy assclown who never deserved me in the first place?  It's time to get myself up, dust myself off and get on with it.  Whatever "it" is.

*Editor's note:  DB = Dumb Bastard

Spring Break

This post is way late, but, better late than never, right? 

Back in mid-April during the kids' spring break, we headed for Tokyo. I posted about going to check out the Tokyo Sky Tree.  The day we left for Tokyo, we decided to stop at Showa Kinen Park, one of our favorite parks.  The park is huge, think Central Park (okay, maybe not THAT huge, but it's a big, beautiful park plunked down in the middle of the big, bustling city).  They have gorgeous flowers every spring, so I knew it'd be a great place to get some pix of the kiddos.  And I was right!  We spent a nice afternoon playing, enjoying some ice cream and snapping pix.

Always fun flavors of  "sofutu kurimu"

 (soft serve ice cream, pronounced so-foo-too koo-ree-moo)! 

Cherry Blossom and Green Soybeans!  Oishi!