Ethan's current playlist on my iPod:
Paradise City - Guns n' Roses
My Humps - Blacked Eye Peas
Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
I'm a Gummy Bear - Gummibar
Crank That - Soulja Boy
Barbie Girl - Aqua
Single Ladies - Beyonce'
Do You Like Waffles? - Parry Grip
Poker Face - Lady GaGa
Fire Burnin' - Sean Kingston
Crank that Spiderman - Duffle Bag Boiz
Chicken Noodle Soup - Webstar and Young B
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Vomitousness (or, Job Update)
This job stuff is sitting like a ton of bricks, very, very heavy bricks, squarely on my stomache. This hanging-in-limbo business is for the birds. I hate not having a plan! I hate not being able to plan. I'm such a ridiculously obsessive planner. I ALWAYS have a plan, accompanied by lists, and sometimes even charts. Not knowing if I have this job or not, if we're staying in Japan or not, not knowing where in the world we'll go if I don't get it, where we'll live, how we'll survive...........AHHHHHHHHHH! I'm walking around all day, every day, feeling seconds away from a complete and thorough tossing of my proverbial cookies. Both of my bosses keep telling me "Don't worry, you've got it! "It's going to happen, just be patient!" Easy for them to say from behind their full-time, well-paid SOFA status jobs!
And then I think, "What if I get the job?" What if I get the job? Then, what? Do I really want it? What will it really mean for my family? One thing it will mean is that I'll be really and truly on my own for the very first time in my entire life. With three kids. Scarey stuff. I've lived alone before, done the whole single-parent thing, but my ex-husband was never more than 15 minutes down the street, my parents barely 3 hours away. But this time, my nearest back-up will be at least 24 hours, and several thousands of dollars, away.
And then there's my marriage. That's pretty funny, huh? Thinking about what getting this job will mean for my marriage? Gag. I mean,I know my marriage is over, of course it's over, it couldn't be anything other than over. But....... I don't know. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's just that this would be the first step I'VE taken towards an ending. Everything until now has been DB's decision. HE left. HE decided we'd grown apart. HE decided we shouldn't be together anymore. All of it was decided and done without a single discussion or any input from me. But getting this job, and staying in Japan when he leaves. That'd be MY decision. That'd be ME saying "Yes, my marriage really is over." It'll be the absolute end. So final. I don't know why, but the thought of doing that makes me feel so incredibly sad. Could I be bigger wimp?
They say no news is good news. But it's not feeling so good right now.
And then I think, "What if I get the job?" What if I get the job? Then, what? Do I really want it? What will it really mean for my family? One thing it will mean is that I'll be really and truly on my own for the very first time in my entire life. With three kids. Scarey stuff. I've lived alone before, done the whole single-parent thing, but my ex-husband was never more than 15 minutes down the street, my parents barely 3 hours away. But this time, my nearest back-up will be at least 24 hours, and several thousands of dollars, away.
And then there's my marriage. That's pretty funny, huh? Thinking about what getting this job will mean for my marriage? Gag. I mean,I know my marriage is over, of course it's over, it couldn't be anything other than over. But....... I don't know. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's just that this would be the first step I'VE taken towards an ending. Everything until now has been DB's decision. HE left. HE decided we'd grown apart. HE decided we shouldn't be together anymore. All of it was decided and done without a single discussion or any input from me. But getting this job, and staying in Japan when he leaves. That'd be MY decision. That'd be ME saying "Yes, my marriage really is over." It'll be the absolute end. So final. I don't know why, but the thought of doing that makes me feel so incredibly sad. Could I be bigger wimp?
They say no news is good news. But it's not feeling so good right now.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Fashionista
Tonight, I was in Gabi's room talking to her about her day and I noticed that her calendar had a word written on each of the last 17 days, "Green" "Spiderman" "Polka Dot". When I asked her what they were, she replies "My shirts." Huh? "Yeah, everyday I write in what shirt I wore so I won't wear the same one again too soon."
This is the child who has happily shopped at Goodwill and the Salvation Army her entire life, never turning her nose up at a hand-me-down and for the most part walks around looking like she just rolled out of a dumpster (she's clean, but always wrinkled, sporting miscellaneous holes and pen drawings on her pants and shoes, and never, ever matching). She's never cared about clothes or fashion, never worried about name brands, price tags or...ironing. But suddenly she's OCD about not wearing the same shirt twice in one week?!?!?! Oy.
This is the child who has happily shopped at Goodwill and the Salvation Army her entire life, never turning her nose up at a hand-me-down and for the most part walks around looking like she just rolled out of a dumpster (she's clean, but always wrinkled, sporting miscellaneous holes and pen drawings on her pants and shoes, and never, ever matching). She's never cared about clothes or fashion, never worried about name brands, price tags or...ironing. But suddenly she's OCD about not wearing the same shirt twice in one week?!?!?! Oy.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Birthday Post! Finally!
Only a month late!
Wow, I can't believe my little burrito is 5! FIVE! My last baby is five.years.old! I've always said that if he had been my first, I'd have ten kids by now. He was such an awesome, laid back baby. And that hasn't really changed. He's so low-maintenance, so easy going, and such a mama's boy (in a good way). He's so funny, and such a sweet kid. I laugh now when I remember how I CRIED when I found out I was pregnant with a boy! I demanded a second opinion! I was so set on a 3rd girl, I'd never pictured myself as the mom of a stinky, rowdy, messy boy! But now, I couldn't imagine my life without my angel boy!
For some reason he was insistent on a Diego cake. Diego? Seriously? He hasn't watched Diego since he was 2. He's full on boy now, all about Transformers, Star Wars, battles and shark attacks, construction equipment, and always Tomica. I was sure he'd want a Transformers cake. I even took him to the grocery store to browse the cake catalog, there were some really cool "big boy" cakes. Nope. It had to be Diego. Okay buddy-boy!
Fortunately, he's still at an age where I can get away with just a small, family party. Right now it's still all about the cake and prezzies. I invited 3 neighbor boys that he plays with, very low key, and quick! He opened presents, we sang and ate cake, and I had those boys out of the house in less than an hour! Woo hoo!
Wow, I can't believe my little burrito is 5! FIVE! My last baby is five.years.old! I've always said that if he had been my first, I'd have ten kids by now. He was such an awesome, laid back baby. And that hasn't really changed. He's so low-maintenance, so easy going, and such a mama's boy (in a good way). He's so funny, and such a sweet kid. I laugh now when I remember how I CRIED when I found out I was pregnant with a boy! I demanded a second opinion! I was so set on a 3rd girl, I'd never pictured myself as the mom of a stinky, rowdy, messy boy! But now, I couldn't imagine my life without my angel boy!
For some reason he was insistent on a Diego cake. Diego? Seriously? He hasn't watched Diego since he was 2. He's full on boy now, all about Transformers, Star Wars, battles and shark attacks, construction equipment, and always Tomica. I was sure he'd want a Transformers cake. I even took him to the grocery store to browse the cake catalog, there were some really cool "big boy" cakes. Nope. It had to be Diego. Okay buddy-boy!
Fortunately, he's still at an age where I can get away with just a small, family party. Right now it's still all about the cake and prezzies. I invited 3 neighbor boys that he plays with, very low key, and quick! He opened presents, we sang and ate cake, and I had those boys out of the house in less than an hour! Woo hoo!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I'm just sayin'
When you complain about not having enough money to pay your bills every time you're approached by the mother of your children, who's asking for money to take care of YOUR FAMILY (when the fact that you have to be asked for extra money in the first place is just sad, and shameful), and you then proceed to spend $80 on a Skype phone, followed by $235 on an iPod Touch and accessories, and over $100 on miscellaneous eBay purchaces, all in less than a month.........
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Do your thang!
Looks like the decision about my job may be reaching the actual decision making phase very soon. Please pray, chant, cross body parts, send vibes, invoke spirits, light candles....whatever it is you do!
As everyone knows, I must have a job on the base to stay in Japan after he-whose-name-shall-never-again-appear-in-this-blog leaves in August. And while I still have time to find another job, they are very, very few, and very, very far between, so my chances of actually finding one would be slim to none. This job is my very best chance.
Although both my direct supervisor and the next boss up have made it known to those inhabiting the top of the ladder that I'd be their first choice for this position, neither of them has anything to do with the actual hiring process. I'm sure that their opinions count for something, but as with everything goverment-ish, filling job vacancies is full of miles of red tape, reems of forms and paperwork and a seemingly endless "Chain of Command" who must all weigh in and give their approval every step of the way. Both of my bosses are very puny links at the veeerrrrry bottom of that chain, so even though they'd be in the best position to choose the right candidate who will work side by side with THEM, in THEIR office, that just not how it works. It's a very tedious, and often extremely frustrating process. I've done everything I can from my end, now we just wait, and pray/chant/cross all crossable body parts, etc. Oy, I feel nauseous.
As everyone knows, I must have a job on the base to stay in Japan after he-whose-name-shall-never-again-appear-in-this-blog leaves in August. And while I still have time to find another job, they are very, very few, and very, very far between, so my chances of actually finding one would be slim to none. This job is my very best chance.
Although both my direct supervisor and the next boss up have made it known to those inhabiting the top of the ladder that I'd be their first choice for this position, neither of them has anything to do with the actual hiring process. I'm sure that their opinions count for something, but as with everything goverment-ish, filling job vacancies is full of miles of red tape, reems of forms and paperwork and a seemingly endless "Chain of Command" who must all weigh in and give their approval every step of the way. Both of my bosses are very puny links at the veeerrrrry bottom of that chain, so even though they'd be in the best position to choose the right candidate who will work side by side with THEM, in THEIR office, that just not how it works. It's a very tedious, and often extremely frustrating process. I've done everything I can from my end, now we just wait, and pray/chant/cross all crossable body parts, etc. Oy, I feel nauseous.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
You asked for it.....
...an update of the UBs, that is. I've gotten lots of comments and e-mails lately, ever so gently and politely asking how things are going, so I figured it's time for an update.
Things between Otis and me have gone from bad, to worse, to gut-wrenchingly horrible. We can't speak at all without the situation turning into a full blown nuclear holocaust. And I'm not ashamed to admit that 99% of the time, I'm the one dropping the bombs. We text when necessary, but that's the extent of our contact. The last 3 weeks or so have been fairly quiet though, he steers clear of me, and I haven't gone too far out of my to cause him any misery, so that's good, I guess.
He doesn't seem at all concerned about the kids, doesn't talk to them, never calls, rarely sees them (not a surprise), but none of them seem to care. Ethan never asks about him, or for him, and the girls seem equally ambivalent.
I'm still full of soul-torching rage, and if one more person tells me to "let go of the anger" or that "time heals all wounds" I swear I'm going to vomit, after I gouge their eyes out with a chopstick. My burning rage is what keep me warm at night, when I'm all alone in my massive bed, and my thoughts of revenge are what get me out of bed every morning. That's just where I am right now, and I'm okay with that. Of course time heals, or at least dulls the pain, and I fully expect for that to happen, but it's not happening for me yet, so if slashing a tire or two, smashing a windshield or draining a bank account is what I need to do to cope with where I am right now, you know what? I'm okay with that too.
I really wish I could spill it all here, air all the dirty laundry, out him for what and who he really is....but while it really would make me feel great for a few minutes, in the end, a lot of other people would be hurt. Even though this whole horrific disaster has left me more than a little jaded, and caring just a little bit less about other people's feelings, I'm not so far gone that I'd intentionally hurt anyone else, so this minor spewage from my black, shredded soul will have to do (can you say drama queen?)
I go out of my way to shield the kids from all the ugliness, they have no clue how bad things have gotten, or how crazy I've gone. They have no idea there's even any animosity. Yeah, yeah, kids know more than we think they do, blah, blah, blah. They're fine, I promise.
My life is going on, not the way I planned, not the way I wanted, but on it goes. Still hoping and praying we can stay in Japan, I have a new boss who seems to think a full-time position is a definite possibility, but the clock is ticking and I'm still worried.
So there it is. Not pretty, but I haven't castrated or killed anyone yet, I suppose that's a good thing, right?
Things between Otis and me have gone from bad, to worse, to gut-wrenchingly horrible. We can't speak at all without the situation turning into a full blown nuclear holocaust. And I'm not ashamed to admit that 99% of the time, I'm the one dropping the bombs. We text when necessary, but that's the extent of our contact. The last 3 weeks or so have been fairly quiet though, he steers clear of me, and I haven't gone too far out of my to cause him any misery, so that's good, I guess.
He doesn't seem at all concerned about the kids, doesn't talk to them, never calls, rarely sees them (not a surprise), but none of them seem to care. Ethan never asks about him, or for him, and the girls seem equally ambivalent.
I'm still full of soul-torching rage, and if one more person tells me to "let go of the anger" or that "time heals all wounds" I swear I'm going to vomit, after I gouge their eyes out with a chopstick. My burning rage is what keep me warm at night, when I'm all alone in my massive bed, and my thoughts of revenge are what get me out of bed every morning. That's just where I am right now, and I'm okay with that. Of course time heals, or at least dulls the pain, and I fully expect for that to happen, but it's not happening for me yet, so if slashing a tire or two, smashing a windshield or draining a bank account is what I need to do to cope with where I am right now, you know what? I'm okay with that too.
I really wish I could spill it all here, air all the dirty laundry, out him for what and who he really is....but while it really would make me feel great for a few minutes, in the end, a lot of other people would be hurt. Even though this whole horrific disaster has left me more than a little jaded, and caring just a little bit less about other people's feelings, I'm not so far gone that I'd intentionally hurt anyone else, so this minor spewage from my black, shredded soul will have to do (can you say drama queen?)
I go out of my way to shield the kids from all the ugliness, they have no clue how bad things have gotten, or how crazy I've gone. They have no idea there's even any animosity. Yeah, yeah, kids know more than we think they do, blah, blah, blah. They're fine, I promise.
My life is going on, not the way I planned, not the way I wanted, but on it goes. Still hoping and praying we can stay in Japan, I have a new boss who seems to think a full-time position is a definite possibility, but the clock is ticking and I'm still worried.
So there it is. Not pretty, but I haven't castrated or killed anyone yet, I suppose that's a good thing, right?
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